I will honor my deepest needs and desires, NOT those of others and society. I will prioritize myself.

I wrote this piece some time ago. As I have been journeying life lately with massive grief I see that I have let this practice go in a major way. It is manifesting physically in my body, and it is time to get back on track…pouring love back into myself, and making myself the number one priority.

Mantra: I will honor my deepest needs and desires, NOT those of others and society. I will prioritize myself.

This has been a real challenge for me my entire life. Are you able to identify with this as well? I have always put the needs of others before my own. I believed my dreams, desires, and needs were mine, but they weren’t, they belonged to everyone else; I had been conditioned by society and family. I was led to believe that "being an accomplished person" or "successful" is only achieved in a certain way, and that my happiness was directly correlated to those ideas. Their ideas, needs, dreams, and desires for me were never for me, they were really for them. If I didn’t follow the way in which they believed I should live out my life, then I was a failure, a shame to the family, and insignificant...definitely no bragging rights for their community. I was in the dark about my needs and desires… confused about what was mine versus theirs. This created a harmful INNER DIALOGUE, one that made me doubt all of who I am and what I crave to experience in this life. It’s as though I would gaslight myself into believing what I seek is ridiculous and unachievable.

When I am asked the question "WHAT LIGHTS YOU UP?" I’ll ramble off art, design, photography, yogic studies, the mystical arts, compassion, history, understanding how other folks have lived so I better understand their behaviors, SEEING PEOPLE LIVE IN THEIR GREATEST EXPRESSION OF WHO THEY TRULY ARE (just a few examples of things that LIGHT ME UP). I feel a sense of happiness that overwhelms my body when sharing the things that make me happy, and just as I am enjoying that feeling of being lit up this INNER DIALOGUE creeps in and begins to take over: "Those things are not feasible for 'real life; they won't allow you to live your life successfully...they are just "things" that you like. Be realistic, grow up, get your life together." I know whose voices they belong to, I surely didn't create them, but they have been said for decades; those voices have been imprinted and have had power over me for a long time. That power has been my crutch in avoiding MY needs, dreams, and desires… those that bring me true joy.

The more I focus and think about the needs that fulfill my BEING, the more I viscerally feel it in my body and heart. I feverishly work on shifting my INNER DIALOGUE to one that is loving, nurturing, and supportive, so I can have the courage to begin chasing after the things that truly fulfill me. As I begin to prioritize myself, not others, and I pour that love into myself the inner dialogue slowly shifts eventually becoming the loudest voice in my head…my hype-woman. I long to hear her so loud that I can no longer deny my truest self. In this transformation, there is patience, grace, and the knowing that I won’t always live in that perfect space.

As I chase, I hope you too chase what you are seeking from this life. Listen to your heart, your compass. It takes courage, love, and self-compassion, but we are worthy of giving that gift to ourselves. Small steps will get us there. K! I love you.

xo,

Kimberly

Journal Prompts:

What are some of YOUR needs that you want to prioritize?

What are other people's needs or beliefs that you take on as your own?

P.S. F-everyone's ideas of who you need to be.